I am sitting on a train going to Manchester for a mindfulness conference and there is a family of four nearby. They have settled into their seats and we are about half an hour into their journey. I notice them because they still have not pulled out brightly coloured, plastic packed ipads for their children. Instead they have pulled out a pad and pen. The whole family are playing word games such as hangman and word searches - they are laughing, talking, and connecting.
A parent's "good management" of their child's screen time has become a marker for solid (and what Eliza and Naomi call) “Good Parenting ™”. We all want our children to have less screen time or, at least feel like they should have less screen time. However, 'screen time' is commonplace (and fun!) but for a parent it can be guilt-ridden.
There is very little research out there to inform us of the long term effects of screen time but as Consultant in Early Childhood Education, Rae Pica says "There is no computer program or app that can replace human interaction". When I deliver my online safety webinars to parents I am quite often asked “when should a child have their first device?” and I admit, “I don’t know!”. Young children have developed little to no regulation skills so may find managing time on their devices challenging. For older children it can be a distraction or steal their focus with Swedish Psychiatrist, Dr. Anders Hansen reported that during a research project children were asked to bring their phone into a test room or leave it outside, the ones that left it outside the testing room performed better. On the other hand Eliza Fricker and Naomi Fisher speak of all the positives that we tend to either forget or never contemplate about screen time including how screens can be a good distraction for non-negotiable tasks children need to do, such as brushing teeth and can "reduce anxiety". They also state that screens "play an important part of the life of many pressure sensitive children because they provide a safe and familiar portable environment, away from home". Who knows what the right answer is but it's a very personal choice and one that shouldn't be judged. All families are different and require an approach that works for them.
As children get older the challenges change and with children requiring adaptation in their interactions, devices can provide exciting learning opportunities for children who may feel overwhelmed by particular tasks or rooms full of people. Screens can help to focus and provide interaction in a more manageable way.
Here are a few tips on how to manage safe device and online use for our children and young people:
Toddler (1-3 years) and Preschooler (3-5 years)
The one benefit of young children using devices young is that we have more of an opportunity to grow and develop healthy digital habits.
Agree on a time limit for young children to be on their devices. Children require a balance of real-life interactions and device use to develop their personal, social and emotional skills.
Model healthy digital habits - habits such as no phones or tablets at the table or setting a timer when you use your phone/computer and leaving your phone away from your bed when you sleep.
Supervise - children under 5 should not be left alone or in a separate room to go online.
Explain why they cannot use it without you there - I always like saying to my children that going online is kind of like visiting a whole other country alone! You shouldn’t do it without your grown ups there to help you.
Explore, play games and enjoy the benefits of the internet using Safesearch and age appropriate websites - show them the positive parts of the internet and use them to relay important messages about safety.
Ensure you research and put in place appropriate parental controls and maybe explain what you are doing to your child if this is appropriate - this models safe use and introduces conversation around internet safety.
Explain to your child what to do if something online makes them feel sad, cross or upset - shut the lid and tell a grown up. There is a great YouTube series called Jessie and Friends with episode 1 informing young children of this very point.
Passwords - model keeping passwords safe by not sharing them with your little ones. Although sometimes it can be a pain if you want your child to be independent, modelling the importance of keeping your passwords and information private is a good lesson.
Early Childhood (5-8 years)
Play Like Share is the perfect animation for the next age group up. Again it opens up conversation and introduces new examples of possible online experiences.
Be open - your children will begin to get more embarrassed and are more likely to hide experiences from you at this age, whether out of shame or a feeling of a lack of connection so try to keep conversation open.
Don’t overreact if something happens online, for example your child shares with you that someone has been unkind or they have discovered something inappropriate. If we react rather than respond we are likely to cause a scene, shout, get angry and create a drama - an experience our children will not want to repeat and so will not come to us when they come across difficulties in the future. Try to remain calm.
If you need to calm down before responding then tell your child that you are not sure what the right response is and that you are going to give it some thought and will get back to them. This gives you time to think about it. Just as when they fall over we need to be there to help them back up again, not shout at them for making a mistake or getting into a dangerous situation.
Be practical - come up with solutions to their problems but do say when you are not sure or do not have an answer straight away - you can research and brainstorm together. Every platform will have an option to report or flag offensive content. You may also be able to unfriend or follow, mute or block the perpetrator. Ensure you save evidence in case it becomes a continuous problem.
Request children use devices in social spaces - encourage your child to use their devices in a social spaces such as the living room in your home.
Passwords - ensure that they have passwords for their devices and internet use and ensure you keep your passwords to yourself! Modelling good internet safety but also ensuring they cannot get onto your accounts where they can come across inappropriate content.
Being kind online - we always worry about our children being the victim of online abuse but we do not very often think of them as being the perpetrators. Being online can make children feel protected or invisible, which sometimes leads them to make poor choices in how they interact with others. When they can’t be seen or think they can’t be held accountable, they might act in ways they wouldn’t in person, such as engaging in bullying or harassment. It’s important to explain to them the consequences of these actions, both for the person they hurt and for themselves. Modelling good online behaviour, like sharing positive content and discussing the benefits of kindness, helps them understand the value of being considerate online.
Middle Childhood (8-12 years)
Independent use - begin to let them work independently on the computer, hoping we have put all of the right teaching in place.
Amaze.org has great animations and here is one focused on online safety.
Digital footprint - inform your children (in a non scary way!) The internet is a space but it's a space that remembers and holds all of our posts, photos. Once it is up it can be hard to undo what we have done, we cannot control screenshots or other saving and sharing of what we do.
The billboard test - this is a good way for your children to reflect on what they are sharing - would they be ok if it went up on a billboard? If not then do not share it.
Privacy and security settings - allow them to go through this process with you, they need to learn how to check and modify their own settings. Check what they have done though, don’t just assume they have set them correctly.
Share contacts - have a list of contacts that your child is aware of that they can use when they come across online abuse, bullying or inappropriate images. This ensures you have another option for them should they not want to come to you there is somebody to talk to, such as Childline.
Adapt family online rules - check in with your family rules - do they still work, times change fast but so do we as a family unit and as individuals. Your rules will probably not remain the same for your child's entire home life journey. Listen to their opinion so they feel valued.
Relationship Sex Health Education/Personal Social links (RSHE/PSHE) - learn about what your child's school is doing - ask for their online safety policies and termly plans for Computing so that you can collaborate by continuing the conversation at home.
Understand what your child’s online use looks like and request that online activity happens in a social space in the house. This might mean that you set up your devices in social places such as the dining or living areas or you keep all your devices in the same space.
Model sensible device regulation - manage your device use and talk about your overuse out loud so your child can hear your thought process. For example “I need to put my phone away, I have been on it too long and I can feel a headache coming on”.
Have a device box where you all put your devices at set times in the day. This could be when you all get home, say from 6.00-8.00pm so that you can spend more quality time together.
Have an agreed family time to end device usage for the day for example 9.30pm. This gives you all enough time to wind down for a good quality sleep before bed.
Be aware that there are certain verifications for different platforms that will require a child or young person to sign up to but these are not foolproof, children can misrepresent their ages by providing fake details.
Up your knowledge on age restrictions for sites - the age limit for many social media apps and games is 13 but this is more to do with data sharing laws rather than what has appropriate content and use so it's important to use these as a guide only.
Use the age restrictions to your advantage - the law makes it easier to keep children away from certain apps for as long as possible but always know that if you still feel it's inappropriate for your child then it probably is - you know your child best.
Adolescence (12-18 years)
Young people have not changed - their curiosity for relationships has always been there, they just have a new way to explore those curiosities.
RSHE links - your child should be learning about healthy relationships at school, find out what they are learning from your child’s teacher so that you can consolidate learning at home during conversation.
Explore Think U Know/CEOP - this is an 'Education team aim to help protect children and young people from online child sexual abuse.'
The Mix is a great website for under 25's, where they can ask embarrassing questions and get information on topics they may find uncomfortable. Have these websites available - introduce them to your teens. Bookmarks or up on a wall - of course always check the content first as although they are recommended for certain ages, not all children are at the same stage of development.
Ask questions - it doesn't have to be an interrogation but just as you would take an interest in their offline life take an interest in their online one too. You may receive a few grunts but it means conversation is open and they know that when they need to come back to it they can. They will begin to ask themselves these questions too.
Nudes - nudes happen.“48% of 14-17 year olds have received a nude or sexual image” and “28% have felt pressure to send a sexual image themselves” NSPCC.
Did you know and do they know? “Creating and sharing nudes and semi-nudes of under-18s (including those created and shared with consent) is illegal” (Gov website UK)
Posting cautiously - ask them to use The billboard test as a marker to help them post sensibly? Would they want what they are posting up on a billboard? If not then don't post it. Inform your child that their post can travel even after they have deleted it.
Mental health - ask yourself, as a family, do you have an open conversation around mental health. Internet use is heavily linked with mental health and wellbeing. Negative internet use or bad experiences online can cause feelings of anxiety and/or depression.
“Curate your space” (Aurelia Torkington TEDx) - teach children how to filter out certain words so that the comments they see are not as bad. Encourage your young person to follow profiles of people that bring joy to their life and recommend that they delete or block profiles that don't. Model this with your own social media use.
Online dating - ensure you are talking about consent and boundaries. This should be in line with your child’s learning at school so check in with the school curriculum and policies.
Learning together - get yourself an account and learn and build your profiles together. Understanding the platforms is part of the battle. Children feel there is a disconnect between generations and that we are just too old to “get it” and that we don't understand their online life. Change that - connect with them, take an interest and try to learn and understand.
Be aware of pro sites - fads can change and grow rapidly such as pro anorexia sites - be aware of the latest fads/trends - this will come with an open conversation.
Social media use changes all of the time - it is unlikely that children will use social media platforms that we consider important in our lives - times change and it's important we keep up to date with new apps and social media trends. Searching the internet for the latest social media trends every now and then is one way but talking to your children - showing an interest and curiosity is a great way to learn.
Encourage use of devices in social areas - this is so that devices do not isolate individuals in the family. This also means you may have a better idea as to what your young person is experiencing on line.
Model and encourage the use of social blocker apps such as AppBlock where you can schedule blocking for certain apps at certain times during the week. As a family decide on the schedule together so it feels like a joint effort rather than the parents telling the kids what to do.
Explore #asktheawkward - “The #AskTheAwkward films explore lots of topics. "To help you get talking, we’ve picked out the key topics from each film and created help sheets with what you need to know, suggested conversation starters and links to further information.”
Ways to manage screen time with all ages
Family Rules - decide as a family on how much time do they feel is necessary/appropriate. You may need to work around this but it's important they feel heard and part of the process.
Collaborative - the time restrictions in place need to be modelled by all so think carefully before introducing certain rules - there is no point telling your child they cannot play their game between 6-7pm and you are sitting there playing the same game beyond this time. Be clear, concise and as specific as you need to be. Reflect and adapt regularly.
Model self-regulation - children and young people find self-regulation hard - it is a skill that is learned and even as adults we struggle. They will learn a lot from you and your habits.
Avoid devices in bedrooms - children will not think twice about chatting late into the night if they can, and sleep deprivation can impact how we react and manage tricky situations.
Be vocal about your own reflections - talk about concerns you have or what you notice so that they begin to do the same. For example my son came to me to tell me he felt that he had played Fifa too much one evening and it had made him feel tired. Noticing our reactions can help in the journey to effective self-regulation.
Intrinsic consequences - create a culture where the "consequence" is the feeling we have or the way we have made others/ourselves feel. This is is vital in developing their skills to monitor their own experiences. For example - I was unkind to someone online doesn't result in my phone being removed for a month (it may do) but the real consequence is the guilt I may have to carry for making somebody feel really, really upset.
Avoiding screen time as a treat - I say the same for pudding - by making it a treat places it above everything else. Value all activities rather than placing some at the top. They will crave it even more if we talk about it in that way.
Avoid removing it as a punishment - you may choose to do this but in my opinion removing it is not the answer - they need to learn about the real consequences of their actions rather than pointless punishments. If they broke the rule and spent too long on social media then they will now have to go without social media tomorrow in order to get their homework done - this is a practical consequence of their actions, not one enforced by you.
Play games together - use tech time as family time - so often we see using our devices as independent, a babysitter for our children and yes it does have that use but using tech together as a family (such as playing Minecraft together) can be really warming and can connect us - when our lives seem so different it can bridge that gap.
Away from home? ensure your child knows how to regulate their use of technology when away from home. How can they stay safe when others may not have the same settings or rules. It may be that some of the rules go out the window but if they have felt unsafe do they feel able to share that with you? Can you include this exploration in your family rules?
Gaming Tips
Avoid gaming in isolated areas and encourage speakers rather than headsets so their online activity is more open.
Link notifications to your own account so that you can stay up to date with their activity.
Host games nights - make it a family event so it sparks conversation and you can explore game use as a family.
Vocabulary - through conversation you can learn more about new online vocabulary - it changes all of the time!
Time restrictions - include these in your family guidance and allow children to attempt self-regulation with your support.
In game purchases - ensure your settings prevent endless purchases on your account/card!
Remember
There is so much that children and young people can gain from online use:
Creativity
Connection
New Computing Skills
Problem solving
Social skills
Outdoor activity
Hand eye coordination
Information - Virtual Learning Environment’s
Language skills
Self-regulation
to name a few.
Maintain perspective and remember the ways in which online use can enrich your family life - fearing it and blocking it out won’t help. We can not go back so we must try to learn all we can to help our young people manage the online world with us by their side.
“The most protective filter is going to be an educated child” (Russell Brown) so the overall message and take away from this is:
Be open
Encourage honesty
Promote healthy relationships on and off line
Learn together and approach online life collaboratively
Have fun
Learn
You can book. in an Online Safety Webinar with us here. Or contact us. for FREE 15 Minute Check-In if you have a small question. You can also book in Parent Support Sessions online here.
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